The Cliched Trilogy: Lucius' Adventures
by SilverYoukai
Summary: Fluffy. A parody of love potions, Lucius, the Giant Squid (don't ask), slash, Snape, Narcissa's recreational habits, and everything else. Contains Slash and PERVERSITY. And leather. Hehe. Rated R for general adult... stuff
1. Love Potions and the Giant Squid

Part One of the Lucius' Adventures section of the Clichéd Trilogy.

WARNINGS: Perversity, Slash, the Giant Squid (don't ask) and well, don't read it if you don't have a sense of humor. It is LIGHT AND FLUFFY, but VERY PERVERTED according to some people. In fact, YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T READ THIS AT ALL! JUST CLOSE THE WINDOW!!!!! I MEAN IT!!!!!! IT ISN'T EVEN COHERENT MOST OF THE TIME!!!!!

If you do read it, please review.

"Bwuhahah! Finally, that foolish boy will be under my power! No one will be able to compete with me when I hand over the Boy Who Lived to the Dark Lord!" Lucius Malfoy allowed a brief display of fiendish glee to spread over his aristocratic feature.

"Dear, if you don't hurry, Hogwarts is going to be out by the time you get there."

Lucius swung around, snarling, ready to hex whoever had so foolishly interrupted his gleeful musings. He drew up short when he saw whom it was that was leaning ever so elegantly in the doorway.

"Narcissa." He let some of his disdain seep into the name. Unfortunately, due to circumstances he was unaware of, Narcissa was not in the mood to be pushed around. In fact, she was feeling decidedly…domineering… at the moment.

"Dear Lord, Lucius. If you stood up any straighter, people might start thinking you kept a spare cane in your ass." Her eyes snapped at him as he opened his mouth to respond viciously. "And will you refrain from making that face in public, Dear? It only enforces that unfortunate image."  
  


Lucius frowned in confusion. Something seemed distinctly odd about Narcissa today…

"Dear, have you been out riding?"

"What?"

Lucius gestured to the black leather-riding crop she was holding in her left hand.

Narcissa glanced at it in mild surprise. "Oops." She looked up at him, and smiled. "Yes, yes. I have just been *riding*."

For some reason, Lucius felt an odd shiver go down his spine. Narcissa was definitely behaving oddly. Perhaps one of her socials didn't go as planned? Before he could dwell too deeply on the subject, Narcissa interrupted his musing once more.

"Now," She began flicking the crop against the side of her thigh. "are you sure you are prepared to do this?"

"Yes, yes. Of course I am sure! The plan is flawless, and will reap me great rewards and fame! The Dark Lord will-"

She cut him off.

"And it was Severus who made the potion, was it not? You didn't buy it off some cheap Knockturn alley dealer, did you? Because it must be perfect!"

"Yes, I know, dear! I asked Severus for it at the last Death Eater meeting, and he promised me it would make 'anyone fall in love with anything that breathed' it is so powerful. It was really kind of him, considering the whole pink bunny suit incident…"

Narcissa smiled confidently. "Well, he is the greatest Potions Master of our time, is he not? Of course he would make it perfectly."

Lucius favored her with an evil smirk. "Yes, and it is perfect, isn't it?"

"And now all you have to do is be sure that you are the first one the Potter boy sees…"

"And he will willingly follow me straight into Voldemort's arms." Lucius finished happily.

"Eww. Mental picture."

"What?"

"Nothing, darling."

"Oh. Ok."

"Now, Lucius, you have to be off to Hogwarts!"

"See you, my dear!"

And Lucius apparated from the spot.

********************************************

Lucius grumbled to himself as he walked along the side of the Hogwarts Lake. He hated having to walk. Goddamn anti-apparation wards.

He fished inside the pocket that held the love potion, going over the plan in his head once more. First, he would find the boy, Potter. Then, he would pour the potion on the boy, making sure that he was the only person Potter could see. After all, it wouldn't do for Potter to fall in love with someone like say, that Longbottom creature. Or even, and here he snickered to himself at the sheer absurdity, Draco.

Aw, he could picture his son's face right now. Imagine, everybody's hero falling for the son of a Death Eater! It was beyond amusing! 

But back to the plan. Then, finally, Lucius would lead the love-struck hero right into Voldemort's arms.

Come to think of it, that did sound weird.

Something across the lake suddenly caught his attention. Lucius froze, worried that some adventuring student had caught a glimpse of him. But no, it was just a waving tentacle from the Giant Squid.

Lucius snorted to himself and started walking again. He had nothing to fear from a *squid*, after all. But he kept his eye on it. After all, better safe than sorry.

Unfortunately for Lucius, at the very moment that he finally got a hold of the vial, an overly excitable tree root had taken it into its limited mind that it would be exceedingly amusing to trip the fancy looking pedestrian.

Lucius tripped right over it, falling onto his face and smashing the vial in his hand, and drenching it with fluid.

"Oh, dear." Was Lucius' last coherent thought. Then all dissolved into happy pink bubbles.

The Giant Squid seemed to wink at him.

********************************************

"Is there nothing you can do?"

Dumbledore looked sympathetically at the grieving Narcissa, despite a suspicious twinkle in his eyes.

"I'm afraid not, Mrs. Malfoy. Severus has assured me that there is simply no way to break a love potion that powerful. You will simply have to let it run its course."

Narcissa looked to be on the verge of tears again.

"But he… he…"

********************************************

BACK AT THE LAKE

"Oh my love, is there not anything I can do for you?"

"Bloop.*"

Lucius sighed in happiness at the tender declaration of love.

"Thank you, darling! But really, I want to do something…"

"Bloop.**"

"Oh, you silly! You shouldn't say such things!"

"BLOOP!***"

"Really now, I must insist! We aren't even engaged yet…"

"BLOOP! BLOOP!****"

"What? But this is so sudden… I mean, we have barely even met…"

********************************************

Harry Potter stared at the man standing in front of the lake in complete shock.

"What the bloody hell is he doing?"

"I think it just proposed to him, if you were listening, Mr. Potter."

"But… but…"

"Eloquent as always, Mr. Potter."

Harry turned and glared at his professor.

"But all it is saying is 'bloop'!"

"Well, you can't expect a squid to verbalize its every emotion. Really, Mr. Potter. I would expect more understanding out of someone your age."

"Oh, really? Do you know what 'bloop' means, then?"

"As a matter of fact, I do."

Harry suddenly felt an overpowering urge to take a step back from his professor, as the most evil grin was spreading over his face. Harry suddenly was very happy Snape didn't smile more often. But Harry wasn't going to step down.

"Well, what does it mean?"

"It means," And here an odd, frightening, light came into Snape's eyes. "It means that I am going to have a very good time at the next Death Eater meeting." And with that he swept towards the castle.

Draco Malfoy stepped out from behind a tree, frowning.

"I don't think I like it when Snape is happy."

Harry shivered theatrically. "Neither do I."

"What is father doing, anyway?"

"Dumbledore said he accidently spilled a love potion all over himself. The giant squid was the first thing he saw."

"How strange."

"Yeah."

Draco stood there for a moment, staring at his father as he attempted to shove an enormous…engagement ring… onto one of the squid's tentacles.

"Now that is just really weird. Why doesn't Snape brew up a antidote?"

"I dunno. Maybe he thinks it is funny?"

"Snape with a sense of humor?"

They both shivered.

"I bet his version of funny involves screaming children."

"Yeah."

They both fell silent as Lucius started showing wedding planners magazines to the

squid.

"Say, Harry?"

"What?"

"Wanna go shag?"

"Excellent notion, Draco. I don't think I can take much more of this."

"Great."

********************************************

Snape stalked down the halls, robes billowing dramatically. Hehe, no antidote indeed. Snape could brew any antidote for any potion in existence, but he certainly wasn't going to tell anyone that. He wanted to watch Lucius suffer for a while first…After all, it had been Lucius who had transfigured his robes into a bunny suit at the last Death Eater meeting… he just knew it…

********************************************

In the lake, the squid desperately pleaded for help. Sadly, the only thing people could hear was 'bloop.*****'

********************************************

AFTERWORDS

It took twelve highly trained Aurors to finally pry Lucius Malfoy away from the Giant Squid when they realized that the potion was not wearing off. Snape was finally forced to brew an antidote. The Giant Squid finally found a translator and thanked the Aurors profusely afterwards, and no charges are currently being pressed. Lucius still does not know that his son is gay. Severus Snape has taunted him for several days now, and Voldemort found the story highly amusing, even forgiving him the loss of Harry Potter.

********************************************

*Help Me!

** I Hate You, You stupid Bastard!

*** GET AWAY FROM ME!

**** WHOEVER GETS HIM OFF OF ME, I WILL PAY YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT! ANYTHING, YOU HEAR ME?

***** AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

A/N- There will be two more one shots in this… thing. I know, I'm sick. But I don't care.


	2. Narcissa's Recreation

Several months and several "Obliviates!" later, Lucius has no memory of the giant squid fiasco….

Lucius Malfoy smirked at his pristine image in the mirror. After today, there was no way that the Dark Lord would be able to ignore him. Today would be the day he finally captured that blasted Golden Boy. He just knew it! He straightened his waistcoat, and smoothed down the fine linen of his shirt. He wanted everything to be perfect for this historical event.

"Mr. Malfoy?" A silly squeaking voice interrupted his ministrations. Lucius turned with a snarl on the unfortunate House Elf.

"What is it this time, Dinky?"

The house elf cowered helplessly. "I is sorry, sir! But the Mistress is wanting to see you now!"

"Hmph. I see." Lucius turned away from the disgusting creature to peer once more at his lovely reflection. "Tell her that I will be ready in a moment."

"Yes sir!" With that, the Elf disappeared in a flash of purple smoke.

"I suppose I must go." Lucius sighed, fiddling with his hair tie one last time. 

"Don't worry, dear. I think you look lovely." The mirror piped back at him.

"Yes, I do, don't I?" Lucius smiled condescendingly at the polished surface of his favorite bedroom mirror. "You don't look bad yourself."

The mirror tittered in the vapid way that only a mirror, or Draco, could do.

"Oh, you!"

But Lucius was already on the way out the door. The mirror sighed sadly at his retreating back. It was hard, it thought to itself, to be a mirror. There were only so many hours in a day a person would spend with one, even Lucius…Oh, what a terrible life a mirror must lead…

Well Fuck You, thought the toilet.

******************************************************************

Lucius almost ran smack into Narcissa as he turned the corner into the third living room. 

"Oh, Lucius, there you are!" Narcissa turned to the woman next to her and whispered something into her ear. The woman, who Lucius assumed was some society friend of Narcissa's, smiled slyly and nodded. She glanced at him, then leaned over and whispered something back. Narcissa blushed, glancing at him as she did so.

They must be talking about him. Ah, the price of being beautiful.

"I'll be out front, Cissy."

Narcissa smiled. "Don't worry, I'll be there in a second, Jackie."

The woman smiled back at her and nodded at Lucius before walking out of the room, her pants stretching impossibly tight across her rear with every step she took.

Really, Lucius thought snidely, what was Narcissa doing with such an unsuitable guest? That haircut, while attractive in a boyish sort of way, was decidedly odd on a woman. And those tattoos… He wasn't even going to start on the leather, or the ridiculous rainbow pin on her shirt.

There must be some weird fashion going on. Come to think of it, he had seen Narcissa wearing one of those pins once…He would have to remember to ask her about them sometime...

He quickly summoned a sneer to his face, and raised one elegantly shaped eyebrow.

"You wanted to see me, my dear?" He let his voice drip with lordly contempt. "I trust there isn't a problem with your monthly allowance, again?"

Narcissa favored her husband with a haughty look. "Please, Lucius, don't be so vulgar. I'm afraid that I just received word that my great Aunt Edna is dreadfully ill, on her deathbed, really. I may have to be out of town for a couple of weeks. I'll call, sometime. You wouldn't want anyone to accuse us of a lack of family feeling, do you? I can't very well just send flowers, after all. That would be so very… plebeian."

Lucius frowned, flushing slightly in consternation. "Oh. Yes, of course, dear. Can't have people talking, and all that. Send my condolences to the relatives, will you? You know how much I hate family funerals… everyone just looks so accusing…"

"Now Lucius, just because you *misplaced* a cousin or two, doesn't mean people distrust you." She picked up a motorcycle helmet from a side table and fitted it over her pale coiffure. "I'll be sure to send your regards."

"Thank you, dear." Lucius held open the door, eager for her to leave. After all, he didn't want to be dragged to one of the family emergencies Narcissa was always going to. Their family seemed to have one of the highest death rates out of almost any wizarding family in the country. Come to think of it, he seemed to remember that Narcissa's Aunt Edna had been on her deathbed just last month…

Lucius shrugged to himself. She must have made a brief recovery. Or maybe she had two Aunt Ednas…

********************************************************

In the driveway, Narcissa was swinging up behind Jackie, as the former revved the motorcycle that had been Narcissa's Christmas present to her.

"Is he really that clueless?"

"He hasn't noticed that his son wears mascara, yet."

"I see."

"Sometime I should tell you about the squid…."

"The squid????"


End file.
